Lean on Him

On January 2nd, we received a shock when we heard that my mother-in-law had passed away. Pauline passed away on the 6 year anniversary of Vikki's death, my sister-in-law and Pauline's youngest daughter. It was a day that Pauline had difficulty with every year so it seemed somehow right that she would go on that day, although our hopes had been high that she would make it a few years longer.

Now, we all have empty arms. It seems as though everything that we do reminds us that we could've done it with her or she would have liked to do it. I suppose that is all part of the process, a difficult process indeed. Pauline was my mother by marriage, but I have been mourning her just like the rest of the family.

Lately, I have been finding myself strangely absent from my faith. I feel like I am forcing myself to move forward in the things of faith as if it is something that I struggle for. Some folks will tell me that this is all normal, but for me, it really isn't. I have reached and reached for God, but I have found that I am tired of reaching. What happens when you are tired of reaching? Does God reach further for you? Maybe. Sometimes. Not always.

In this pause from all things religious, I have continued forward doing the things that I do. The ministry, the writing, but absent of all of the disciplines of the faith such as prayer, bible study, and yes, the inner God talk. I move forward in a state of limbo as if I neither move forward nor move backward knowing all the while that time will move forward and I will, too, eventually.

So, that's where I stand. I stand on a flat meadow looking at the raging stream that I have just crossed and contemplating a hillside that is yet to be climbed. I know that I will eventually climb, but I am not in the mood. So I wait. I don't know what I am waiting for, but I suppose I will know it when I come to it.

Someday, you will come to that meadow as well and my advice to you is that you don't beat yourself up over it. Know that the meadow as much a part of the journey as the river and the hills. Know that God is so gracious that He can understand our inability to move forward. When we are ready, we will move.

Faith is fluid. It's isn't always strong and it isn't there or not there. Sometimes, it is weak and other times it is strong. I believe that it is strong when it needs to be. I think God understands that sometimes we just need to take a pause.

Sometimes, I play a game with my son where we switch radio stations and right before we do we say, "The next song to play on this station will tell me what I need to know." I played the game and the song "Lean on Me" came on. It seemed so appropriate as if God were saying, "If you really want to know how to make it through the hard times, lean on Me." So, I will, but what does leaning on God during a time like this mean? To me, right now, it means that I have to trust that He is helping me through this even though it feels distant. Maybe He's just distant because He knows I need a break. I'll take that break. It's all that I can manage right now.